2020. I've felt more inspired within the last 8-9 months than I have in many years. I say that knowing that this year has been one of the hardest so many of us have ever faced for one reason or another. Ever since everything shut down my mental space has just been different. It's almost like I needed everything stripped away in order to really see clearly.
That being said, I was inspired to write it out. Almost like a "soul dump" if you will. Words have been flowing out of me lately. I don't consider myself much of a writer, but I felt compelled to share my words. This is not my typical blog post and I actually don't want to edit it much. I just want these words to be. To do what they need to do. Whether that's heal me, heal someone else, or compel us forward.
This year started like any other. Weird. Full of this unnecessary pressure to make something happen. To change how I functioned to make this year "my year". I always felt guilt at the start of every new year for not having made "it" happen the year prior. This year I was kicking myself for not having worked hard enough. For not having auditioned enough. For not investing enough time in making my dreams come true.
And then everything stopped....
This year we lost so much. For us personally .... our dreams, our home, and with it close proximity to our friends and chosen family. Our adulthood. Our norm. Our oasis we'd fought to create. Our creativity, or at least our obvious outlet for it, was all stripped away. During the early months of quarantine, I had said that it felt like the rug was being pulled out from under us again, and again, and again, and again. Robby and I didn't even get to spend time in our home before we went to my parents to quarantine. We were on vacation when the world shut down.
When you move in with your parents... everyone just basically knows your business. Especially when you and your HUSBAND move in with your parents. All of sudden the whole world knows something isn't working out in your favor. Everything you've tried to hide from the public. Act like it was ok. They now all know... "Oh they don't have any money, a job, a home they can afford etc...... " It feels weird, and yet I know see it as liberating! What's the use in working so hard to hide my hardships if everyone knows already!?
But with that time also came introspection. We had no choice but to break apart and find the true belief within ourselves to keep going. To find those things that keep us moving. To really live with ourselves for the first time in a long time. When everything was stripped away. When everything we "should" do was no longer we were thrust into the driver's seat. It forced me to look inward. It was scary. At first I felt so lost and so put down. I was seeing myself as the victim because it was scarier to admit that I had the power and I had had it all along. As things became clearer to me, I realized how much fear was holding me back. After all of those months shut away, it was almost like I was able to look at my life from the outside. To be honest, I didn't love what I saw. I saw a girl who had stopped believing in herself. A girl stuck in the should of "reality." A girl desperate for attention, who had stopped pursuing anything that she loved. A girl who had started to live solely for other people. To please them. To make them proud/happy/content. Within that I lost myself. I lost what I love.
When the clock strikes midnight tonight, I do not expect a total reset. I don't want that. I want to step into this new year with the memories of all that I have lived through. Every step I have walked has taught me a lesson. Every hard day, every tear, every embarrassing interaction, every shock has been a lesson that has shaped who I am right now in this moment. That women is moving forward stronger and more ready than ever to step into her true power. I needed all of those moments before to get to her.
So with that, let's move forward together. We have such a short time on this planet, what's the use of playing small? What's the use of hiding inside of our insecurities. What's the use of changing our behavior because of what other people may think? What would be the most beautiful thing in the world is if we all started living out loud. And I mean LOUD. Loud shouting your soul light from the rooftops. Illuminate the world with your absolute you-ness.
Happy New Year my loves! I truly cannot wait to see where this one takes us.